101 Ways To Go Insane From Being A In A Fanfiction
by E. Linnet
Summary: What do our characters do in they're spare time? They talk to each other, whine about authors and...well, just read and find out!
1. And So The Insanity Begins

Swann's Note: Prologue only. Story in next chappie, and it'll be a lot more funny.

Ships: Not that many. Hints of nearly everything, I guess, but if there is one it'll ultimately be Sparrabeth.

Disclaimer: I still don't own it. But owning it shall come with my plan for WORLD DOMINATION….! Not.

Elizabeth Swann was having a semi-normal day. No evil fanfiction authors so far trying to make her swim inside the kraken, dramatically choose between Jack and Will, kill Davy Jones, or travel magically into the future only to be introduced to 21st century fashion.

A knock at the door signaled the daily arrival of Jack, Will, and James for their usual discussion about fanfiction before they were called out to duty for the day.

"Good morning gents. Anything I can get you?" Elizabeth asked happily. Her day yesterday had actually been close to fun…less fanfictions to participate in than there were during the summer.

"Tea. As hot as you can possibly make it."

"Coffee. Black."

"Rum. No honey this time."

"Tough night, I take it?" She asked, sitting down at the table with them.

"You wouldn't imagine," James said sullenly into his coffee, "I had to stage my own death, fall in love with Sparrow's sister, get drunk, fall in love with Turner's cousin, actually die, and then…I had to be in one of those parodies. It was a complete nightmare."

"How's a parody a nightmare?" Jack asked, raising his eyebrows.

"_You_ like parodies because everyone _loves_ Jack Sparrow. Everyone _loves_ his witty, dim-minded remarks and his terrible knack for always getting the girl. I despise parodies because I'm made to be fool and don't use proper English! Read this." James said furiously, shoving a fic under Jack's nose.

"'Pull out the guns with the funny names?'", Jack read, laughing, "'Doth singing is painful to mine ears?' Oh, no, this one's just bloody brilliant-'Get yo piratey hands off her shoulder, dawg!'"

James looked murderous while Jack and Will wiped tears of mirth from their eyes and Elizabeth tried fiercely to bite back a smile.

"What about you, Jack?" Elizabeth asked, taking a sip of her coffee.

Jack's eyes darkened as though he was remembering his own death-well, he was, but still….

"Marysues. I think I'm gonna kill whoever put me with Carella Ana Chavez Barbossa. _That_ was just scary. Oh, and then I had to spend at least half of my time inside the kraken, then on the Dutchman. Nearly as bad as meeting my 'sister', Lauren Marie Starlight Reede Sparrow. Then, this bloke with a big black machine with some glass over it asked me about the making of Sleepy Hollow. What's a Sleepy Hollow, I asked, and he just laughed and walked away."

Will frowned, "That sounds dangerous. Nearly as bad as that one fanfiction….this man, he could be my twin, but had really long blonde hair and pointy ears asked me where Fido, or Filo, or….Frodo, that's it…was. Oh, you should have seen it though. I had to die _twice_, nearly kill Jack, befriend the Commodore over there, fight these immortal women, and swim four miles. Brilliant, brilliant day."

There was a loud rap on the door, and a young girl with long blonde hair peered through the window.

"….That would be Anna," James said begrudgingly, "My first author of the day. Time to go and feel angst-ridden, ridiculous thoughts. See you."

Swann's Note: Yep, prologue of doom. Second chappie coming soon only if you REVIEW!


	2. Dearest Authoress

Swann's Note: Chappie two, just a scroll of you're mouse away :P Thanks for all the reviews and I hope that you enjoy this chapter!

Disclaimer: LALALALA...Yeah, I've run out of clever disclaimers for the moment :D Point is, if I owned this, would I be here?

James repeatedly banged his head against Elizabeth's kitchen table, Jack, Will, and Elizabeth looking at him strangely.

"This..._smack_...is..._smack_...the last..._smack_...time..._smack_...that I will ever..._smack_...participate..._smack_...in a fanfiction..._smack_...again!"

"James, will you just _tell _us what happened?" Elizabeth tried gently, offering him some strong coffee.

"Yeah, mate, can't be that bad. I mean, it's not like that one time that I had to..." Jack started, showing a bit of symphaty.

"Oh, no, Sparrow, it's worse. Much, much worse."

"What can be worse then a parody?" Will asked, confused as he took a drink from his tea.

"Angst. Angst-filled, ridiculous thoughts that I wouldn't dream of thinking. I can do jokes! Really! I can do...witty, funny! I don't always have to be portrayed as an angst-ridden, pirate wanna be drunk! That's Turner's job." James added as an afterthought.

"Hey!" Will objected from the sugar bowl.

"Tell the authoress that." Jack snorted into his rum, "I'm sure that she'd _really_ listen to you..."

"That's a good idea, Sparrow!" James said, suddenly looking not so sullen. "I think I will. Anyone with me?"

Jack, Will, and Elizabeth looked at each other, silently agreeing to go. Though, visiting the authoress was never a very good idea...

"So then you turn...left here." Elizabeth said as the four trooped through Elizabeth's attic. They were faced with a large blue door that James was shortly elected to knock on.

"Come in." Came the voice of a young teenage girl.

James, Jack, Will, and Elizabeth walked in to find the authoress, Linnet, in deep conversation with a girl wearing the strangest set of black robes with long bushy brown hair and rather large front teeth, who was gesturing wildly to a poster of a boy with black hair, green eyes, and glasses on Linnet's wall.

"And how does that make you _feel_, Hermione?" Linnet was asking the girl pensively.

"Absolutely horrible, naturally! Do I _ever_ act that emotional, usually?"

"But we've never seen you in a relationship with someone." Linnet reasoned.

"Yes, but...oh, very well. Just less drama and more action, all right?" Hermione asked, smiling.

"Yes, that would be wonderful. See you later, Ms. Granger." With that, Hermione snapped her fingers, turned around on the spot, and disappeared.

"Ah, good morning." Linnet greeted the foursome pleasently, not standing up from her spot at what Elizabeth had learned was called a _computer._ Linnet, their main authoress (no one knew her real name, though she was either called Linnet or Sparrow's Swann), had her dark brown hair in three messy braids, a pair of half-framed glasses resting on her nose. She was still in pajamas that were far too big on her, and Jack smirked as he saw a rather large poster of himself hanging on the wall next to the boy with glasses. James and Will surveyed what they had learned was called a _CD Player_, a stack of CD's littering the floor around it. Her room was covered in various other items-white boards, fallen posters, a pair of too-big tennis shoes, some rings, and a Halloween costume that strangely reminded Elizabeth of the men's clothes that she had worn from her adventure with Davy Jones.

"What are you here to talk about? I don't think that I've added any original characters lately..." Linnet trailed off as the four sat on her bed.

"That fanfiction that you recently wrote about James...he didn't particularly care for it." Elizabeth said as gently as she possibly could while Linnet looked at her pensively.

"Mr. Norrington, what _specifically_ didn't you like about the latest fanfiction I posted you in?" Linnet asked, pulling up a word document and looking over her shoulder at the four of them.

"The angst! Really, I can do funny, you people never seem to believe it!" James said, Jack and Will snickering behind him and the mention of him doing comedy.

"What type of comedy?" Linnet asked, typing up a few words.

"Any type! You told me you're plans to bring me into you're new-and-improved The Futuristic NotSoNormal Adventure, and I personally liked them! Why can't we do that for another fanfiction?" James asked hopefully.

"Because, James-May I call you James?-I'd be considered the most awful author ever for not writing a good, angst-filled fic with you in it. OOCness is one of the larger monsters now in fanfiction, next to MarySue and GaryStu." Linnet said, turning back to face them and pushing her glasses up her nose a bit.

"I see you're reasoning, of course, with you're reputation to consider, but could you at least _try_?" James asked desperately.

"Well, I will. Are there any jokes, or something funny you could say that you'd like me to include in one of you're scripts? I'll try my best to, if so."

"Oh! I know a few," James said excitedly, Elizabeth resisting the strong urge she had to roll her eyes, "There were two muffins in an oven. The first muffin said: Wow, it's really hot in here. And the second muffin said: OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!" James laughed at his own joke while everyone else just stared blankly at him. "All right, all right," He said, not defeated yet, "There once was a boy walking down the street, when he suddenly sprouted roots and leaves and turned into a tree. As soon as he turned into a tree, he said: GEOMETRY!" More blank stares. "Okay, okay, this one!" James said, hoping to get some attention for his brilliant jokes, "There was a pirate-"

"I'm liking this one already." Jack said, tearing his eyes away from his inspection of his fingernails to the poster of himself on the wall.

James ignored him, as usual, and went on, "There was a pirate, and his bird had gone missing. As soon as he found out it was gone, he said: Polygon!"

"Umm...James, that's really wonderful. Really, truthfully wonderful. Now, if any of you have any other complaints-" Linnet started.

Jack cut Linnet off midsentence, "Yes, about that word that you've mentioned a couple times...Sparrabethical? What exactly does it mean?"

Elizabeth turned red and buried her face in her hands, James laughed, and Will pointedly looked away.

Swann's Note: CHAPTER 2! Yes, I'm letting it off there. The jokes are curtesy of my substitute math teacher, which I actually laughed hysterically at :D

R -- MU_2_ (Reviews -- More Updates Squared)


	3. The Trivial Concept of Ships

Swann's Note: Yeah. Chappie 3 OF DOOM. A special thanks to some certain reviewers:

Jinxeh: Thank you! So much for the advice you gave me. Really. I never caught those mistakes before, and I'll definitely be looking for it throughout this chappie :D

Sparrow's Fancy: Thanks so much!

Robin Goodlass: Thanks, once again for the great review!

Robin: This chapter has been taken from your idea for showing them in action in a fanfic. Said fanfic they shall participate in shall be the ridiculously typical stereotype of a fic (Marysues, GaryStus, OOCness). THANKS! For the idea :D

I'll mention more in Chapter 4, and I'm sorry if I didn't mention you :D You reviewers ROCK for giving me so many reviews (this is my all-time high) with compliments and con/crit :D Keep them coming!

Disclaimer: HA! Yes, I have another clever disclaimer to make up for the bad one in the last chapter:

If I owned POTC, 1. The kraken wouldn't exist. 2. The compass would be held in highest esteem. And, 3, JACK WOULD STILL HAVE HIS HAT!

"Oh, but Carella Ana Chavez Barbossa, I really love you!" Jack said dramatically, kneeling down on one knee and sticking a ridiculously intricate ring out in front of her. "Marry me!"

"But Carella Ana Chavez Barbossa, I love you more than that pirate does!" James said, putting on his most swoon-worthy face.

"Oh, I can't decide!" Carella cried. "Give me you're compass Jack," she demanded. Jack handed it to her.

"I'm so sorry, I love ... !" Carella began.

"And ... CUT!" said Peter, an author, whose voice rang throughout his room. They, James, Jack, Elizabeth and Will, were working on their most current fanfiction with the new author, and this, so far, was just the rough draft of chapter 25. The Marysues were amazingly abundant and Peter had just finished demanding that Jack speak like a scholar. "Great work," he said. "Great work. Just let me write up the author's note."

"Yes, wonderful Peter, wonderful," Jack said distractedly, dropping back from perfect English to his usual slur.

"We'll just be off," James said, his voice fading as he and Jack dashed out the door headed toward Elizabeth's attic.

"It's Mr. Pettigrew to you!" Peter shouted.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"It couldn't have been that bad," Elizabeth reasoned as she made the four men their usual drinks the next morning.

"Oh, Elizabeth, you have no idea," Will said, drinking his tea in two large gulps.

"Carella Ana Chavez Barbossa, Lauren Marie Starlight Reede Sparrow, Laurean Ana Maria Bella Snape Turner," Jack said. What kinds of names are those?"

"I do agree that Marysues are annoying," Elizabeth said. "The ships these days, they really annoy me," Elizabeth said.

"Even Sparrabeth?" Jack asked, smiling into his rum as Elizabeth suddenly found the microwave very interesting.

"It is ridiculous, isn't it?" James asked, breaking the very awkward silence that followed Elizabeth's study of the microwave. "I mean, Turner and Ana Maria? Really."

"I know," Will shuddered, " and then there's Elizabeth and Barbossa. That was just wrong."

Another long silence ensued.

"I think we should boycott our unfair treatment in these stories," James said.

"As if the authors and authoresses would listen," Will pointed out.

"No, really! We should try it!" James insisted. Elizabeth and Jack rolled their eyes simultaneously.

"The best way to write something like that is in an email," Jack pointed out, drinking the rest of his rum.

"That's a good point," Elizabeth muttered. "We could ask to use Linnet's computer."

"It's decided then," Will said resolutely and stood up. "Who's with me?"

"Me, definitely," James said.

"'So long as I don't have to put up with more Marysues," Jack said, "I'm in."

"I'll try it," Elizabeth said.

Five minutes later, the four were standing in front of Linnet's door. James knocked.

"Come in. Come in," Linnet's distracted voice said from inside.

As the four entered the cluttered room, they noticed Linnet in deep conversation with a tall, dark haired man.

"And, you know, some color in my wardrobe would be nice," said the man, pushing a long hank of his black hair behind an ear. He was clad in black and had a terribly long nose. "They say that fuchsia is the new black, you know. And this hair! How am I supposed to make potions with this black, greasy mop in my face? And my nose! I think that Doctor 90210 would be horrified to see this!"

"Yes, Professor Snape, I'll try," said Linnet. "Is there anything else I can possibly do for you?" she asked tiredly.

"No, I think that's all, and thank you," Snape said, then added, "Make it work!" He spun around on the spot and disappeared.

"I shall try, Snape," Linnet said. "I shall try."

"Erm ... Linnet, I'm terribly sorry to bother you," Elizabeth began politely, but Jack cut her off.

"We need to use that large computery thing, now," Jack said. "If you don't mind too terribly."

"Yeah, just don't break it, I guess. And ... don't delete any files," Linnet said tiredly. "Now, I need some food." She walked out of her room, yawning.

Elizabeth immediately sat down, quickly clicking on various icons until she came up with a blank document labeled, "email."

"Tell me you're thoughts, and I'll put them down in a letter form," said Elizabeth." That should work well enough."

Elizabeth began typing in the email subject line, "A letter concerning ships by Elizabeth Swann, James Norrington, Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner."

An hour later, Elizabeth sat back and rubbed her eyes, then said, "Read it, I guess. I think you'll like it for the most part, it gets our point across."

Dearest Authors and Authoresses,  
We understand that you have complete rights to deal with us Pirates of the Caribbean characters in any way, shape, or form, you intend to. We must ask, however, that you show the same amount of respect for us that we show for you.

Some of the ships, plotlines and original characters you've introduced lately have made us seem out of character and the ships Norribeth, Sparrabeth and Willabeth have created many rifts in our newfound friendship.

I, Elizabeth Swann, must ask you, on behalf of Captain Jack, Will, James, Mr. Gibbs and various other members of my family, the Royal Navy, Captain Jack Sparrow's crew, Davy Jones' crew, Tia Dalma and the Tortugan citizens, that the insanity of OOCness, Marysues, Garystus and OOC ships immediately stops.

We thank you very much,  
Elizabeth Swann, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow, William Turner Jr. and James Norrington.

Swann's Note: Yeah, couldn't think of a better ending. BTW, no offense to anyone out there that ships Elizabeth/Barbossa or Ana/Will (something that I, admittedly, ship myself). I just used them as an example, there.

Scientific fact: Reviews equal MORE UPDATES!


	4. Dearest Pirates

Swann's Note: O...M...G!!!!!!!!!!

DID I ACTUALLY UPDATE A FANFICTION?!?

Yes, dear readers, I did. And the real fun stuff happens next chapter-really fun...

Disclaimer: Me see POTC. Me loooooooovvveeeee POTC. Me, sadly, no ownie POTC.

_Dearest Elizabeth Swan, Mr. Sparrow, Mr. Turner, Mr. Norrington, Mr. Gibbs and various other members of Miss Swan's family, the Royal Navy, Mr. Jack Sparrow's crew, Davy Jones' crew, Tia Dalma and the Tortugan citizens;_

_We fanfiction authors have a purpose-to spread POTC throughout the web. Whether it be through fanfiction, pictures, or videos._

_We have agreed, that, even though we do respect you're views, we have a right to do any of the following:_

_Kill any of you._

_Make you fall in love with anyone we wish. (And that includes ANYONE! Will, I know that some people out there think it'd be awesome if you got with Ana Maria...)_

_Injure any of you._

_Burn rum._

_Make you OOC (over angsty, over stupid, etc.)_

_As for the ships matter: You think it hasn't created 'rifts' between us fanfiction authors? We've had epic battles, discussions, arguments, and, believe me, it's gotten pretty ugly around here with the battle of the ships. We will try, our best, not to make our ships to out of character or too uncomfortable for you to deal with (although we Sparrabethians all know what'll happen in the end, right? Ow, Marie! Don't hit me!). _

_Thank you for this letter-we will try our very best to deal with this problem, though cannot guarantee anything in the near future to change. _

_Thank you for you're letter Mr. Sparrow, Ms. Swan, Mr. Turner, and Mr. Norrington._

_Sincerely,_

_Some of the fanfiction team on that actually agreed to write 'Mr. Sparrow.' and face the wrath that would follow._

Elizabeth angrily folded the letter they had recieved.

"'Mr. Sparrow?' When will these people bloody learn?" Jack said furiously, mumbling about needing to shoot something.

"I don't believe this..." Will trailed off, looking at the letter in disgust, "How can they do this? We've got lives, too! And...Ana Maria? What the heck?"

"Oh, it's on," James said, narrowing his eyes at the letter. Never a good sign.

Elizabeth looked back at the paper, noticing how many times her name had been misspelled. She, too, narrowed her eyes.

"You're right James. It's so totally on."

Swann's Note: Painfully short chappie, I know. The next one will be nice and long and funny.

Promise you that.

Well, at least I'm writing agian, eh?

Review, because _you _want you to review.


	5. Meeting Allies

Swann's Note: WOW! I'm back. After...eh...I don't even remember how long. But, in short, school gets in the way. Which is annoying. Anyways, this chapter is kinda a filler to get you guys ready for the battle for our dearly beloved character's well-being. In short, they need allies (grins evilly).

This chapter is definitely the longest chapter I've ever written, and I'm rather proud of that :P

Hope you find this chapter entertaining, I tried my best to make it rather funny.

Disclaimer: Seriously. All you people make me run out of clever disclaimers. I don't own POTC, and I definitely don't own Starbucks or Best Buy.

"So how are we getting revenge again?" Will asked, eyebrows furrowed as the other three bent over a very complicated, official-looking paper.

"Well," Elizabeth started. "It says here in Doth Rules of Fanfiction Participation, "One must, as a character participating, allow fanfiction authors to use them in any way, shape or form that they intend to, even if it causes physical harm. What are we, lab rats?"

Jack picked up a red ink pen that he had been tracing his sparrow tattoo with and scribbled out that sentence.

"Sparrow! What are you doing?" James asked, shocked.

"Freeing us of such bonds that you and Lizzie have been complaining about for the past hour. What we need mate, are allies."

"Allies?" Will asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Aye. Allies."

xXxXxXxXxXx

"You want us to help you?" The long blonde haired man asked dubiously. James, Jack, Will, Elizabeth and two "representatives" from each of the main fanfiction fandoms that had agreed to participate were sitting in Starbucks, drinking coffee and trying to come to some sort of agreement.

"Yes. You see, if you think that you've been being treated unfairly by fanfiction writers, which the three of us can relate to, then we're asking for you're help to regain some honor," James stated, stirring his coffee.

"Unfairly? Hardly. We're just somewhat . . . over-used in angst-fics." A girl with bushy brown hair said, not having touched her pumpkin juice, "And the ships these people support . . . "She shuddered.

"Angst-fics? You think that you're over-used in angst-fics?" A man with a rather strange hair-style and wearing a leather jacket asked. "I mean, yeah, I liked Jean, but seriously, do I look like the kinda man that would cry for years over loosing a girl?"

"Yes." A man at the other end of the table with black hair said. They had discovered that his laugh sounded strangely like a dog barking.

"I think that was a rhetorical question, Mr. Black," said a man with what looked to be a bucket on his head from the other side of the table.

"So?" The black-haired man said.

"Look," a boy of about seventeen with blonde hair next to James said, "Murtagh, Saphira and I are working as hard as possible to defeat the Empire. I don't know if we have the time to do something so drastic."

His companion nodded his head, "Besides, what would you want us to do?"

Elizabeth smiled. "That's what we need to figure out. With you're help, of course."

"We need to plan how drastic the changes in our fanfiction community need be, for example, we don't want to chase all the authors away. And, besides, I refuse to be in Jones' locker again," Jack said, shifting in his seat.

"We need to get to a computer, to read other fanfictions to use against the authors that you don't agree with," the girl with bushy brown hair said. "Doesn't your apartment attic have a computer?" She asked, looking at Elizabeth. James shifted in his seat uncomfortably, and became rather interested in his fingernails. Elizabeth raised an eyebrow at him.

"Well," he cleared his throat rather uncomfortably, "I . . . uh . . . don't think Linnet would be very happy to . . . er . . . see us back again."

"And why would that be?" Will asked with a rather amused expression.

"Er, you see, she's not exactly happy with me," James shifted again.

"What happened this time?" Elizabeth asked, exasperated.

"Ideletedallofherfiles." James said in a rush.

The man with long blonde hair raised his eyebrows. "Pardon?"

"I . . . deleted all of her files," James said, closing his eyes and waiting for the wrath.

"You didn't!" Jack said with wide eyes.

"I did," the answer was strangely defiant.

"Well, that's it then," the seventeen-year-old boy said decisively. "There's nothing more we can do."

"Not so fast," the man who had gone by 'Mr. Black' said. "There must be something that can be done. Really, we can't all be broke, can we?"

"Oh, no. It's not that we're all broke. It's that I don't think a Best Buy sales person would take too well to being paid with Canadian money, American money, doubloons, wizard money, or, help me, elf money," the bucket-headed man said, leaning back in his chair.

"Norrington, why don't you just go apologize?" Will asked.

"Because, Turner, last time that I tried to, I ended up being hit with a rather heavy book with the title Learning 21st Century Manners for Dummies." At this, Elizabeth nearly choked because she had tried to swallow while laughing and ended up having to have Jack thwack her on the back for a few minutes.

"Then we'll just have to use someone else's computer," the man with the strange hair said.

"We're getting way too ahead of ourselves," Elizabeth said, putting up a hand to stop the suggestions coming from everyone.

Jack nodded in agreement, "All we need to know right now is if you people are willing to do this or not. It won't end up too terribly risky. I think."

After a moment of silence in which the representatives exchanged looks, the long haired man finally said, "Alright. You've got the Fellowship."

"The Order of the Phoenix is ready."

"Count in me, Eragon, Saphira, Arya and the Varden."

"The X-Men are willing to help."

"The Brotherhood of Mutants, at you're service."

"Wonderful," James smiled. "Let's start planning, then."

Swann's Note: Yes! Chapter five at last. As previously stated, this was only really a filler chapter for the fun one to come. Had to get all the allies in there, right? **By the way:** Mr. Long Blonde Hair was Legolas (Lord of the Rings), Guy With The Weird Hair was Logan (X-Men), Mr. Bucket Head was Magneto (X-Men) Mr. Black was Sirius Black (Harry Potter), Miss Poofy Brown Hair was Hermione Granger (Harry Potter), Mr. Seventeen Year Old Blonde Kid was Eragon (Eragon) and Mr. Seventeen Year Old Blonde Kid's companion was Murtagh (Eragon).

**Spoiler for Chappie Six: Will be called "A Diversion!" and hopefully be as long as this one and Will will (teehee) discover something interesting. Can you say "Undercover codenames?" (Ship discussions may abound. Not too sure, though.)**

Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and, as always, thank you so much for the reviews! 61 as of right now.

But, really, why leave that number at only 61? Let's try to get it to 70 . . .


	6. A Diversion!

Swann's Note: I updated quickly, just like I promised, you're going to review, just like you promised and the characters agreed to participate in another chapter, just like they promised. So we're all people of our word, really, except for Legolas and Arya who are, in fact, elves. xD

Supeh-speshul (No, I am not illiterate) thanks to coatrack415995 for allowing me to use her name in here.

Disclaimer: Gillette was being stupid. He told everyone that a mermaid flopped up on deck and told him that I do not own POTC, LotR, X-Men, Eragon, but as far as I know, there's not place named the Pizza Palace. If there is, though . . . I don't own it, either.

Chapter Six: "A Diversion!" (Couldn't help saying it again.)

"So, I'm to understand that we're going undercover?" Sirius asked, raising his eyebrows. The newly formed group of the Mistreated And/Or Caught OOC Too Many Times (MA/OCOTMT for short) had resolved to learn each other's names earlier, and were currently examining a very messy map of authoress Erin's home which currently had the only working computer. The only problem was that Sirius seemed to have upset her earlier. Meaning, of course, that they needed to sneak into her home and get onto her computer.

"Yes, that's correct," James said. "I'm still rather worried about how exactly Sparrow plans on getting into her home and since her computer is upstairs . . ."

"No worries," Jack shook his head confidently, at which Elizabeth raised an eyebrow at him. "Alright, alright," he continued, "I have no idea how exactly we're going to get into the house, but I'm not Captain Jack Sparrow for nothing, eh? We'll figure something out."

"And the stairs?" Legolas pointed to the stairs drawn in on the map. "Not all of us can go up there without being heard or seen. It'll be nearly impossible."

"I know a spell . . ." Hermione stated slowly. "One that would keep them from hearing whatever we're doing. But, still, you're right. If she gets up, then she's sure to see us."

"Then that just means that we'll have to get only a few people to go up the stairs," Arya said.

"You're right, of course," said Magneto. "But we need to select the people going."

"Hermione should go first," Will said surely. "She's the only one who can cast a spell like that."

"Hey! I can!" Eragon said defensively. Arya and Murtagh both rolled their eyes.

"Yes, but it takes so much energy for us," Arya said. Eragon nodded, but reluctantly.

"Who's the second person, then?" Logan asked, sounding curious.

"Turner?" Magneto suggested.

Will rejected the idea immediately.

"Elizabeth could try it," Eragon suggested.

Elizabeth nodded her head in agreement and said, "If you want me to, but, I've never worked with that particular authoress before. I don't know how well it would go over if Hermione and I were caught. Not that we would, of course, but still . . ."

"You're hired," Jack smiled.

"We still have yet to figure out how to get in," James said. "We can't very well go in the dead of night and get arrested."

"We need something like . . ." Sirius started.

"A diversion!" Legolas suggested immediately, proud of himself. Arya agreed.

"Of course!" said Arya, "a diversion! Now, here's what we'll do . . ."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"That makes no sense whatsoever," Murtagh stated firmly after Arya recited her plan.

Jack shook his head in wonder. "Love, that doesn't even make sense to me."

"Well, I understand it, at least," Hermione said.

"So do I," said Legolas nodding in agreement.

"Well, that'll just have to do then," James said, leaning back in his chair. "We'll put our plan into action tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Magneto sounded startled. "No way! We'll do it tonight, at any chance we get."

James and Will shook their heads at the same time.

"You're insane," Will said. "This is a whole project. It'll take ages for us to plan out every detail!"

Logan smiled, "Who ever said we needed to plan out every detail, eh?"

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

_Ding dong._ Legolas rang the doorbell with an air of confidence, despite his strange appearance. Arya stood beside him on Erin's porch.

The "diversion" that had been planned by Arya was indeed quite complicated, though everyone had eventually managed to figure it out. The plan was that while Legolas and Arya created the diversion, Hermione and Elizabeth would sneak upstairs to get the needed fanfictions while the others stayed on the look out for someone, dog or human, approaching.

The diversion had been up to Arya and Legolas to come up with. It took them more than an hour to get properly dressed, but finally the group was faced with Legolas and Arya in a Pizza Palace uniform, which consisted of a baseball cap turned around backwards, a neon yellow and maroon t-shirt that said, _"Pizza Palace. The place where carbs are healthy and pizza comes first!"_ Arya, on the other hand, held fifteen boxes of pizza, her hair temporarily died a carrot-orange, sporting the same gorgeous outfit as Legolas. Her hat was artfully tipped to hide her pointed ears. The two also wore communicators on their ears so that the others could take their signals

_Ding dong._ Legolas rang to doorbell again. He reached up once more, but suddenly the door swung open to reveal a teenage girl looking very alert despite the late hour.

"Hello!" Legolas said cheerfully.

"We have your order of fifteen Hawaiian Delight pizzas, two bottles of Mr. Sparrow's Soda, and five boxes of Cinnamon Delish In One Dish." Arya chirruped, ignoring how Jack muttered into her headpiece, "Captain. Captain Sparrow."

"I . . . uh . . . didn't order these," Erin said, looking at them strangely. She looked at Arya and raised an eyebrow. "Have we met?"

"No!" Legolas said a bit too quickly, seeing Hermione and Elizabeth dashing up the stairs behind Erin. "I mean, er, I don't think so! Ary-" Arya elbowed Legolas in the side. He cleared his throat. "I mean, um . . ." He searched for a name.

"Stop being an idiot! You can fight cursed pirates but can't climb a fence? Will!" Logan whispered furiously into Will's headphone, but it transmitted to Legolas'.

"Wil … a … ma ...," Legolas paused again for a moment, "just started."

Erin looked suspicious. "When did she start?" She asked.

"A week ago."

"Two days." Legolas and Arya said at the same time. Arya smiled nervously as she heard Elizabeth curse into her ear.

"Uh . . . a week and two days!" Arya offered, peering over her many boxes.

"Right . . ." Erin nodded her head. "Anyways, I didn't order these."

"Really?" Legolas started quickly as Erin nearly shut the door. "I could've sworn that this was Sparrow and Swan Circle!"

"I'll get you for that," Elizabeth muttered to him.

"And I could've sworn that last time I checked there wasn't a Sparrow and Swan Circle," Erin said easily.

"Really? Well, then Buck Teeth, we'll just be off," Arya said.

"Buck Teeth?" Hermione's indignant voice reached her ears.

"Buck Teeth?" Legolas and Erin asked at the same time with curious expressions.

"Er, yeah. He was my . . . um . . . famous half-uncle. Uh, very courageous," Arya supplied.

"Yes! I think that my dear friends Wolvie, Mr. Bucket Head, and Swanny knew him! They're very pressed for time," Legolas said.

It was Arya's turn to be amused, "Mr. Bucket Head?"

"Mr. Bucket Head!" Magneto's voice sounded mortified.

"Wolvie?" Logan growled.

"Did you hear that? I think that Mr. Norrie James is calling . . . he's our boss, you know, very, very worried that we won't be back on time," Arya said without missing a beat.

Erin's eyebrows reached her bangs, "Norrie James, you say?"

"Yes! Norrie James might fear that our other co-workers would be late to our next meeting! You know, we get to look over all those important documents," Legolas said quickly, albeit rather loudly.

"Got it!" Hermione shouted excitedly into both their headphones.

"Pardon?" Erin asked.

"Hmmm?" Arya replied, casting a worried glance at Legolas.

"You said, 'Got it!'"

"Er, no she didn't," Legolas said with a small smile as Hermione and Elizabeth descended the stairs, several fanfictions in hand.

"Really?"

"Yes, really," Arya said confidently.

"Well, we'll just be off, then!" Legolas said as he saw the others slip out the back door.

The turned around, but Erin shouted after them, "I'd like to know your names so that I can thank you properly for your kind service."

The two exchanged uncomfortable looks.

"We're, eh, Logan and Wilma Greenleaf," Legolas said.

"Of course!" Erin said after them. Arya attempted to wave, but nearly toppled over from the weight of the pizzas, soda and rolls.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Yes! We got them!" Elizabeth said excitedly, waving around a stack of papers.

"The most notorious fanfictions for Mary-Sueism and OOCness," James said in awe. "I really don't believe it."

"Nothing can stop us now!" Magneto said happily, biting into one of the cinnamon rolls happily.

"Nope. Nothing." Murtagh smiled.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin called Pizza Palace from their number in the phone book, only to find that two employees and a manager by the names of Logan and Wilma Greenleaf and Mr. Norrie James didn't exist.

"Greenleaf," she muttered to herself. "Greenleaf and Norrie. Norrie James."

Suddenly, her eyes widened.

"Legolas and James Norrington."

Swann's Note: Oh, no! Erin figured it out xD . Hope that you enjoyed this chappie despite its length, it took me ages to write.

And remember, from the words of Captain Jack Sparrow: "_You_ want you to review."


	7. Return of the King?

Swann's Note: Chapter Seven at last! I'm horribly sorry that I haven't updated in about two months, but I hope I'm not in too much trouble for it (cowering here).

Anyways, thanks so much for the reviews! They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside xD

Please, enjoy chappie seven. And once again, so sorry for the wait.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. No copyright infringe, infringeme ... well, you get it.

_Chapter Seven: Return of the King?_

The odd group, missing a few members (Hermione said she needed to study, Logan claimed he had a mission, and Magneto had insisted upon playing chess with a man named Charles Xavier) strode confidently into the small corner Starbucks, fanfictions in hand. Suddenly, Legolas noticed someone sitting in the corner, staring rather sullenly into their coffee. Walking over, the group following, he only took a moment to realize exactly who it was. 

Legolas bowed low, muttering, "My King." The others looked around uncomfortably.

"Oh, enough of that," the man said as Legolas stood back up. "If I can't even handle my own wife and kids, why should I be fit to rule a whole kingdom?"

Elizabeth interrupted before anyone else could talk, "I don't mean to be rude, but who are you?"

"If you weren't with Legolas, I'd tell you my name was Strider. But, seeing as it seems as though you're friends of his, my name is Aragorn. Well, technically King Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir to Isildur, Ellessar and the throne of Gondor, but we won't get into that."

"Pleasure to meet you, Aragorn," Jack remarked dryly, pulling up a chair for himself.

Elizabeth, seemingly coming out of a confused trance while she tried to process all of the exceedingly long names that were Aragorn's relatives, said, "Yes, it is. This is Jack."

"Captain!"

"James, Will, Sirius, Arya, Murtagh, Eragon, and I'm Elizabeth."

"Well then, pleasure to meet you all," Aragorn said with a somewhat tired smile.

"Tell me, what were you saying earlier?" Legolas asked as Aragorn looked at his coffee sullenly.

"Well, it's Arwen," Aragorn began, then stopped with a bit of a confused look on his face. "Actually, it's not Arwen. It's me. Well, it might actually have started with Elrond ... He seems to have a bit of an objection to how we-well, that is to say, Arwen and I, are raising Eldarion."

Legolas raised an eyebrow.

"The man never really liked me anyway. He doesn't approve of how we're raising Eldarion as a human when he claims his name is too much like an elf's. Then, he tells us that we should come and visit more often. When we do go to Rivendell, Arwen tells me to dress like I did last time we went ... She even made me do my hair like Elrond. We're ready to leave a week later, and both of us are about ready to go crazy when Elrond sees it upon himself to go and give me a speech about being a father. I ran off to here as soon as he got to the idea of anther child."

Legolas shook his head and said, "Father in laws."

"Tell me about it," Aragorn scoffed.

"King Aragorn," Arya said. "We came here for a purpose."

Murtagh nodded as James and Will pushed the fanfictions forward, "We've formed a group to stop the unfair mistreatment of us fanfiction participators."

"Unfair treatment?" Aragorn raised an eyebrow. "I like this. It's not everyday that you get a group with ... Such potential as a protest. Could be something good for politics. You know, some people never really liked me that much after that one idea that I presented to Faramir ..."

Eragon cleared his throat loudly and the King of Gondor quieted.

"If you feel that you've been mistreated any way in past fanfictions, then we're taking a stand against it ... There are three more members who couldn't make it today, Hermione, Erik, and Logan." Sirius supplied.

Aragorn nodded slowly, "Does mistreatment include some people's ... shipping preferences?"

Both Arya and Will nodded empathically, "That's the main reason I joined." Arya muttered, casting a side ways glance at Eragon, who was watching a troop of ants crawling by with extreme interest.

"Does it also include some people's tendency to catch us horribly OOC?" Was the next question.

"Of course," Jack said. "Why do you think I'm here?"

"What about Mary Sues?" 

"Covered," Legolas said quickly.

"Gary Stus?" 

"Done," Elizabeth replied.

"Well ... I guess I could put John in charge for a while. Give Eldarion a chance at assisting. It would make Arwen and Elrond furious, but I can't honestly say that that's much of a surprise after I ran from Rivendell." Aragorn sighed, thinking, as everyone held their breath.

"Is that a yes?" Will asked.

"Yes? That's most definitely a yes."

Swann's Note: YAY! CHAPTER SEVEN! Took me ages to write, but I've finally gotten it out. I hope that you liked it, and I also hope that I spelled "Eldarion" right. I couldn't quite remember.

Also, cookies to anyone who recognized the joke with Eragon and the ants. Not saying anything against Arya/Eragon, but even though I kinda sorta support it, it's about as unlikely as Harry/Hermione was back after Goblet of Fire. 

Double cookies to anyone who reviews, I'm nearly at 100 :P 

Thanks for reading, and I once again apologize for the wait. Won't happen again!

(Review? We've got cookies.)


	8. Phangirls and Sues

Linnet's Note: -hides-

... Hi there. I know that it's been an awful long time, but this time I have an excuse for my unruly absence! I had to have my tonsils taken out recently (ouch) and just got over the immense, terrible pain.

It wouldn't help if I told you that all that time I was also reading Phantom of the Opera phics, would it?

-hides again-

But here it is! Better late …than never?

Disclaimer: No matter how much I am dying to own POTC, LotR, HP, and the brief mention of a certain Monsieur Ghosty (who I shall always picture as Gerik, because I have never read Leroux or Kay -shuns self-), or Captain Kirk's Tribbles, I don't. SO THERE, LAWYERS!

Please Note: This is the only time in my writing career that I will ever, ever, ever write a Mary Sue or fangirl. Swear it.

_Chapter 8: Phangirls_

"You're going to what?" Aragorn's outraged voice rang through Elizabeth's small home just as she started to set out the dinner plates. She took it that Eragon's plan wasn't exactly going that well.

"Breathe, my friend. It's just an idea," Legolas' voice said from the other room as Aragorn looked to be on the verge of a breakdown.

"An idea that will never work! Do you have any idea how idiotic that is?" He asked the room as Elizabeth entered with a few trays of over-cooked cookies.

"Look, it's not like it's set in stone. It's just … well, it's …" Arya started helplessly, but James came to her rescue.

"Not exactly the most brilliant plan," He finished.

Defeated, Arya rested her head in her hands. "This is never going to work! What evidence did we get from stealing fanfiction?"

"Trial," James said suddenly, sitting up and setting down his coffee with a thud.

"Pardon?"

"Take it to court. Surely there's something that a judge, a person of law, could do about unfair treatment!" He said, triumphantly.

"Mate, I'm truly sorry to say this, but I think it would be a good idea if you stopped sneaking into my rum stash at night," Jack said somberly, shaking his head.

"He might have a point, don't be so quick to judge," Legolas said, thinking, "A judge? I must say that I doubt there's any law against bad writing."

"But if there's not a law …" Arya started, "Can't we make one? Petition for it? And then … present the fanfictions as evidence!"

"Yes! That's a fantastic ide-" Eragon's exclamation was cut short as the doorbell rang. Jack stood to get it, the others continuing to discuss their plan of action. The next thing they heard was a yelp and the sound of a door slamming. The group stood to investigate the muffled yells that were coming from the foyer. The six stood in front of the door in fright, motionless, until finally Elizabeth sighed in exasperation and yanked the door open.

Which, quite frankly, wasn't that great of an idea, because the reaction was a very, very high-pitched scream from a young girl wearing…a Naval officer's suit? Well, despite what she was wearing, there were other girls behind her, ages varying, wearing different attire similar to that.

"Oh my God! It's Norrie!" This scream, had it been written in the girl's native language (which is known to most as chatspeak) would have been more like: "ohmigod!!!1111 itz norri!1!!1!11"

Poor James didn't even have a chance to yell as he was dragged onto a nearby chair next to Jack in the middle of the crowd as Legolas hid behind Arya. She looked at him oddly as Elizabeth slammed the door shut.

"Fangirls," he said, trembling. "If they see me, I am going to be dead faster than you can say _melon ni_-"

He was cut short as another fangirl squealed (squeed, more accurately) and pointed at him through the window, mouthing wordlessly.

"What happened to Jack?" Elizabeth asked, looking concerned as she closed the drapes.

"You never know," Legolas said ominously, "Fangirls are strange, strange fans. They love us, but they put us characters through complete and shameless emotional torture while writing, and once ... " Legolas' lower lip trembled as his normally fierce warrior exterior was replaced with one of utter terror, "..._they cut off my hair._" He whispered.

Aragorn wrinkled his nose, "Yeah, like this one time, you wouldn't believe what…"

Unfortunately, they never found what horrors had happened to the once fanfiction-loving King, because the door slammed open as a tall girl with multi-colored eyes that reflected her tragic, sad past, long, shiny black hair, big lips, and a perfect shape walked in.

Elizabeth's eyes narrowed.

"The Mary-Sue strikes at last."

"Oh, sweetie, I don't go by Mary-Sue. You see, my past was far too tragic for a name like that. In fact, my name's Carella Ana Chavez Moonlight-Flower Petal Barbossa, but you can totally call me Rose." She said this with a twittering little laugh that caused all the other Sues behind her to laugh the same.

Elizabeth stood tall still, though inside they were all trembling with fear of the Sue, "What do you want with us?"

"Well…" One of the others behind Carella Ana Chavez Moonlight-Flower Petal Barbossa a.k.a. Rose said, "The fan girls already took the Commodore and Jack (another laugh here), so we're here after the three men you're rumored to have left."

Arya quirked an eyebrow, "Three? I assure you, the only males that were in this household have just been taken outside." At this, Eragon, Aragorn, and Legolas took this as their cue to sneak to the basement. Unfortunately, anther one of the Sues behind Carella Ana Chavez Moonlight-Flower Petal Barbossa must have been formatted with super-sight, because her head snapped up to where the three men had nearly disappeared.

"You! Greenleaf, Isildur, Garrowsson, stop!" She said loudly. Then, she turned to Elizabeth and Arya when she was sure that they had obeyed her orders, "Either you hand them over, or we'll give you to the Jack and Eragon fangirls. And believe me, that would not be a pretty sight."

Arya nodded immediately, her voice slightly high-pitched from fear of fan girls, "Take them away, ladies."

Aragorn, Legolas, and Eragon collectively trembled like scared poodles.

xXx

Two days later, five rustling burlap sacks appeared on Elizabeth's doorsteps that turned out to be, instead of the tribbles that Arya had been expecting from My Trials and Tribbulations Inc., were actually five very disgruntled, furious, and disoriented men that had disappeared with the fangirls and Sues a few days before. The truly tragic thing was that Legolas' hair was several inches shorter than before.

xXx

Erin finished punching in the phone number to the Swann residence that she had tracked down on the internet into her cell phone, waiting impatiently to see if there was any way that she could get information to see if her and Linnet's plan of kidnapping the men of the household using fangirls and the Sues of Linnet's nightmares.

She finally reached the number, and heard the message from an exasperated Arya:

"_Hello, you've reached the Swann residence. We're not available right now, but when we are, we'll call you back ASAP. Oh, and by the way; we are not hiding Jack Sparrow, Legolas, Orlando Bloom, James Norrington, Murtagh, or Erik Destler/de Beque in our cellar. That's right, people, no Opera Ghosts here. You're talking to the wrong person if you want him; check the Daae residence for that one. Thanks, and have a nice, sunshiney day." _

Erin smirked. So, the plan did work, for the most part. Although she really couldn't help but wonder what rabid phangirls Linnet had set loose on the Swann house-Class A or B? Probably B, Class A was only used for the most dire of situations.

And Class A would be used if the characters caused trouble again.

Swann's Note: -points at reviews with o.o face-

Thank you very, very much. Seriously. Oh, and to Shelby E. McQueen-this chappie's for you and your inspiring Mary-Sue concerning review, and also your persistent reminders of my needing to update. Without that last PM, I seriously doubt that this chappie would even be up :P

Thank you, dear readers, and if you've read Susan Kay's novel (which I haven't) I can only hope that I spelled "de Beque" right. I couldn't rightly remember…

Enough rambling, reviews will make updates and cookies come faster!


	9. Intermission To Go?

**!Warning! The following chapter contains some small spoilers for AWE. Don't say I didn't warn you.**

Linnet's Note: Hello, you guys. So delightful to see you all again. So soon, you wonder? Well, it's the miracle of pre-typed chappies. Everyone, squee with me now.

Disclaimer: Mmmhmm. I wish.

_Intermission To Go_

"I don't believe this." Linnet said incredulously, glancing sideways at Erin, "It's like...Little House on the Abandoned Island Where Mystery Kid Gets To See His Dad Once Every Ten Years."

"...I know." Erin replied, reaching into the bucket of popcorn that she held and stuffing an angry handful down her throat.

The two authoresses were sitting in the completely empty movie theater, after having watched _Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. _Both were fuming, being the rabid shippers that they were.

"This is _war._"

xXxXxXxX

James Norrington was frightened. No, he was down right, completely, utterly horrified. He felt like he was about to jump out of his skin. Why? Because he had just seen his new movie. And oh, oh no, he was not happy with his fate.

"James! James, get in here now!" Elizabeth's sharp voice traveled to the kitchen corner where James was cowering. He jumped about ten feet in the air, stood quickly, and hurried into the living room where everyone was waiting. As he entered, he saw that Legolas was on the telephone with someone.

"I think so. ...No. No, this is a different type of case. Yes. No! No, I did not mean that! What do you mean, intellectual thicket? Will's the one that needs a machete!" With a sigh, he slammed the phone back onto the receiver.

"What did they say?" Arya asked, worried.

James held up a hand, "Wait a second. Who were you calling?"

Will looked at him and answered, "The local government building."

Legolas shook his head. "She said that I needed to contact the local judge to get a trial. She also added that fangirls were technically doing nothing wrong when they cut off and inch of my hair."

Aragorn patted his shoulder sympathetically. "Well, at least you don't have it as bad as Will. Or James," He paused for a minute, thinking. "Or Jack, come to think of it."

James trembled at the mention of his unfortunate end, and Will just looked murderous at the mention of his fate.

"Getting your ear pierced bloody hurts!" Will said defensively, pointing to his earring.

Elizabeth sighed contentedly, "Hey, at least I liked my end. I mean, really-I get to sit on a deserted island and work on my tan for ten years."

Arya rolled her eyes, "So, can we make a protest or not?"

Legolas smiled. "That's where it gets good. You see, we can protest unfair treatment anywhere on the following streets," he set down a piece of paper with several different addresses on it, "But no where else. And the authors, you see, are allowed to protest anywhere. So, yes. We can."

Jack smiled, "Excellent. What now?"

Elizabeth held up a twenty dollar bill with a smile, "Wanna see our movie again?"

James trembled, Will touched his earring possessively, Jack paled, and the other three wrinkled their noses. Arya mumbled something about The Matrix and Beckett.

Getting the message, Elizabeth shot a sympathetic look at the men. "Alright. Starbucks? I'll pay and we can come up with some good sayings there for the protest."

Trying to control their internal squees at the prospect of a nice, ice cold mocha, Arya, James, Jack, Will, Legolas, and Aragorn followed Elizabeth to her pickup truck.

Unfortunately, none of them noticed the rather clunky video camera that Erin and Linnet had duct taped to the strawberry plant.

xXxXxXxX

Starbucks wasn't very busy at all. A few people, here and there, giving the group odd looks. But that was normal, after all.

"Alright, how about this? _Superwriter! Superwriter! They can do it better than a fanfictioner can. Spin a story at any time, with the characters never caught OOC. Look out! It's the Superwriter!_" Will sang to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song energetically.

Aragorn rolled his eyes, "Yes, of course. Why don't we also just sign on with the next Marvel comics spin off?"

"We need something more...interesting." James said, black coffee in his hand.

"Yeah? Like what, Navy boy?" Will asked.

James bristled at the insult, but continued. "Well...how about something like a cheer? You know, like on The Apprentice that one time, they were singing _Tide! Tide! It's Tide to Go! It's time for Tide to-_"

James' enthusiastic cheer was interrupted by the sound of a scream. A comic-book-turned-movie, _The Birds, _horror film scream.

And who was it that came running, arms flailing Jack-style, looking like our favorite, wigged Lord Cutler Beckett?

Oh, right. Wait a moment, that _was _Lord Cutler Beckett. Odd, I'm not quite sure how he ended up in here. Hmm.

Anyway, Lord Cutler Beckett appeared, running as fast as his legs would carry him. He stopped at their table, where everyone stared at him, in a deep state of shock.

"You have to help me," He panted, "All the Weatherby Swann fans are out for my head."

Elizabeth stopped mid-drink of her chai tea, "My father has fans?" She asked curiously.

Beckett glowered at her best he could, and muttered, "Apparently, otherwise I would not be running around like a headless chicken. Now, are you going to help me or not?"

Jack looked at him, "Help you? Why, in the name of all things piratical, would I want to help you?"

Beckett looked terribly desperate, "I gave you the fan, remember? In my office, I let you

have the pretty little blue fan and my action figures."

It was James' turn to look curious, "You have action figures?"

Glare. "No, I do not. The point is, I need help." A rock hitting the window emphasized this point. "_Now._"

"And what's in it for us?" Elizabeth asked, switching into pirate king mode.

Beckett sighed, "Anything. I'll negotiate this time, swear. Gold . . . Jewels . . . a ship . . . I could help you in your little organization, if you wanted me to. What's it called again?"

"Never mind that. Done, mate." Jack said. Something else hit the window, and Beckett winced, scared.

"Arya, Aragorn, Legolas, meet Lord Cutler Beckett. Burnt to a crisp yet still strangely alive," Will paused to contemplate these words a moment, but continued, "Beckett, meet Arya, Aragorn, and Legolas. Eragon and Murtagh were sick, you'll see them later."

Beckett nodded, "Can we just go?"

"Yeah, yeah, Shorty." Arya said, "Let's get moving."

Beckett paused, looking longingly at the featured mint latte.

James sighed, "Sir, just get the drink."

Beckett smiled, and ordered the latte, with an extra shot of mint.

Note: That was actually two chapter combined . . . I think I'll post them like that from now on.


	10. Down OnceWell, Certainly Not Once More

Linnet's Note: -hides- Okay, so I haven't updated  
in...wow, I don't think that I even want to know how  
long. Hope you enjoy this chapter, some new  
characters!

Shout out to Shelby E. McQueen - Murtagh's special  
part isn't in this chapter, but I think that you'll  
approve of who I stuck in here instead...

Disclaimer: I don't own. Don't sue?

_Down Once - Well, Certainly Not Once More_

James Norrington had finally gotten over his fear of  
blocks of wood wielded by half-insane twice-cursed  
pirate fathers.

Well, mostly. He didn't run and hide when he heard the  
door slam anymore, although every time that Will  
walked in the room talking to his father on Jack's  
cell phone, he would hide behind the nearest object.

There was something else on his mind, though. It was  
something that had struck him while he had been  
watching an infomercial. And it was really quite  
worrying.

"James? James, get out here!" Murtagh's voice shouted  
from the foyer. The group of self-appointed  
fanfiction-destructors (the name had long ago been  
forgotten) hadn't gotten as far into their plan as  
they'd hoped.

It was far more difficult than it looked, really,  
planning the destruction of the fanfiction world. 

Murtagh raised an eyebrow at him, "Another scary  
parody?"

James shook his head.

"Had coffee yet?" Will asked, jumping into the driver  
seat of Elizabeth's van. Raising an eyebrow at him,  
Elizabeth shooed him away from the wheel.

James sighed, nodding.

"Ooh, I know!" Arya said happily, "You had a dream  
about a talking muffin!"

"Um...no." James shook his head, "No talking muffins."

"I'm dying of suspense here, man," Legolas said dryly.  
Suddenly, he got a horrified look on his face, "Good  
God, you didn't meet a Raoul fan, did you?"

"It's just..." James sighed, shaking his head and  
holding his hand out to examine it, "Am I too pale?"  
Receiving several painfully blank stares, he pressed  
on, "Well, you know, it is summer and everything. And  
all of you are all tanned," He nodded to Beckett, "Even  
you're tan. I mean, really, I feel so...ghostly. And,  
quite frankly, it's demeaning."

Jack raised a speculative eyebrow, searching the radio  
for something to listen to, "Pale. You feel pale."

James nodded with another depressed sigh, "Yeah."

"Hmm," Elizabeth said, parking the car in front of the  
Luke's Diner sign, sounding slightly devious, "I think  
I know of a place you could go to fix that..."

Murtagh, Beckett, Jack, Will, Elizabeth, Legolas, and  
Arya had agreed to drive to a new meeting place -  
Luke's Diner, and it supposedly had the best coffee in  
the world. They'd been, quite sadly, forced to  
relocate from Starbucks because the Weatherby Swann  
fans started throwing lattes instead of rocks. Jack  
had feared that his bandana wouldn't make it after it  
had been turned green by something that vaguely  
resembled the monster from the black lagoon. Needless  
to say, the Weatherby fangirls didn't have the best  
aim.

The seven arrived at Luke's after some confusion  
concerning the collectible plates that were being sold  
next door ("Oh, look! It's Elvis!" "...Who's Elvis?").

Taking their seats by the window, they were greeted by  
a rather surly looking man in a backwards blue  
baseball cap and an excessive amount of flannel.

"So," Legolas said after they had ordered, "What's our  
next move in Operation End Fanfiction?" 

Arya arched an eyebrow, "Operation End Fanfiction?" 

"I think it's better then Operation Talking Muffin,"  
Will pointed out.

"I was talking in my sleep, okay? I tend to do that a  
lot," Arya said defensively.

"Well," Beckett said, all business, "I made some signs  
that I think would come into great use if we were to  
-"

"Coffee?" A woman trotted up to them, holding out a  
coffee cup to them. When she received several  
painfully blank looks, she said, "Coffee. You know,  
the stuff that keeps me alive? I need some."

Jack scratched his head, "Er, sorry, love. No coffee."

The woman pouted, looking akin to a kicked puppy, and  
proceeded to trot off.

"That was odd." Elizabeth commented flatly.

"Indeed." James cleared his throat, "So, what is it  
you were saying, Sir?"

"Ooh, right!" Beckett reached into a bag sitting next  
to him, and retrieved some signs, with slogans varying  
from_, Fanfic Characters Deserve Rights! Honk if you  
agree!_ to _The Character Protection Program. Learn More  
Today.  
_  
Legolas nodded contemplatively, taking a sip from his  
mocha, "I like it. I like it quite a lot, actually.  
Were would we protest?"

Will volunteered, "Here, I've got the list. Now, all  
we've got to do is see if we can take this to court."

"But didn't Legolas tell us that the local offices  
wouldn't listen because technically the writers aren't  
doing anything wrong?" Arya asked, sounding confused  
as she talked around a bite of the huge danish sitting  
in front of her.

Elizabeth grinned, "That's the thing, you see. The  
writers haven't done anything wrong," her grin grew  
self-satisfied, "...yet."

Raising an eyebrow, James sat forward in his seat,  
demeaning ghostliness forgotten, "We're listening."

----

Linnet and Erin were not generally two very daring  
people. They usually liked to sit at home, watching  
re-runs of Frasier, throwing popcorn at the screen  
whenever Bulldog made an appearance.

But not today. No, today they were going to check the  
bugs that had been planted around Elizabeth's house.  
The two, by nature, were also not generally very  
devious. But when worst came to worst and their  
fanfictioning career was threatened? Oh, it was war.

"Coat Rack to Waffle, do you copy?" Erin's voice  
crackled over to Linnet's headset. Erin had climbed up  
to the balcony on a vine to get to the camera in the  
kitchen, while Linnet, deathly afraid of heights,  
tried to dismantle the clunky video recorder that had  
been placed in the strawberry plant.

"Is this really necessary?" Linnet asked, annoyed, as  
she resisted the strong urge she had to simply yank  
the video camera out of the bushes, disregarding if  
the information was lost or not.

Erin could be heard sighing on the other side as she  
finished carefully removing the cords from the inside  
of the freezer and taking the small camera from behind  
dishwasher, "I like it. Makes me feel very 007, you  
know?"

Linnet smiled triumphantly as she finally untangled  
the first black cord from a strawberry, "You do  
realize that there were very generally no women in all  
those James Bond movies that actually did anything  
except for stand around in short dresses and smirk?"

"Ah, but what fun smirking is," Erin countered,  
shutting the balcony window and fastening the camera  
on her waist, 007 demeanor forgotten.

"Hmm, I dunno. I think I prefer the Bourne movies."  
Linnet replied.

There was a second of silence as Linnet struggled with  
the camera before she stood, meeting Erin half-way to the black convertible that they had 'borrowed' from  
Erin's father. Linnet had happily dubbed it the  
Bat-Mobile because of its color, but her request to  
paint a silver bat on the front had been, quite  
thankfully, denied. The authoress had never been  
particularly good with a paintbrush, though she  
constantly denied it.

"Ready to watch what our dearest friends have been up  
to?" Linnet asked with a small smile.

"Oh yeah."

----

The odd group stepped out of Luke's Diner, to-go  
coffee cups in hand after having been chased out by  
the woman who had harbored the kicked puppy look  
earlier, who was currently rambling about Luke needing  
a new apartment.

It was all quite strange, really.

Elizabeth had just finished telling them her slightly  
devious, yet oddly brilliant plan, and with the help  
of the others, the idea was perfected. They only had a  
few more days to do of plotting and fine-tuning the plan  
until it would be ready to be officially put into  
action. Then, as Jack had analyzed it, they only had  
to wait for the opportune moment.

"Oh, James," Elizabeth said suddenly, "I believe that  
you said you wanted to look a bit more tan?"

James nodded, taking a sip of his black coffee, "Yes.  
Yes, I did. Do you know of somewhere?"

Elizabeth smiled, hopping into her seat in the van.  
"Oh, I can think of a few places..."

-----

The drive seemed to last for hours upon hours upon  
hours upon - well, in short, it was quite a long  
drive. Night had set long ago, leaving Arya mumbling  
about talking muffins in her sleep, her head resting  
on Legolas' shoulder, Will snoring rather loudly next  
to her. Murtagh's eyes were barely open, and Jack's  
eye wouldn't stop twitching after he finished his  
fourth cup of coffee. Elizabeth, on the other hand,  
was going about thirty-five miles over the speed  
limit, cheerfully humming along to "Bye Bye Bye," a  
song which, by general unspoken rule, had been banned  
from her house. At this point, it was needless to say  
that something was amiss.

The car came to a very sudden, jolting stop, stirring  
everyone from their sleep.

"We're here!" Elizabeth said cheerfully, hopping out  
of the van and ushering the other out. She then led  
them in the direction of a dimly-lit, yet fantastic  
building.

"Where are we?" Murtagh questioned blearily, Elizabeth  
shushing him as she led them past the large building  
and into an alleyway behind it. Murtagh opened his  
mouth to comment, but Elizabeth hushed him again,  
creeping to a small gate on the side of the building.  
Looking around quickly, Elizabeth jolted the gate  
open, stepping inside.

"Love?" Jack sounded nervous as he followed, surveying  
the excessively slimy walls that surrounded them,  
"I've never really been one of the whelps who run away  
from the action, but...is this creepy passageway  
really that necessary?"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, fishing in her pocket for  
something. Grinning, she pulled out a lighter, lit a  
flame, and proceeded to light up a candle that seemed  
to have appeared out of thin air, "The man who lives  
here likes the dark slimyness of this place very much.  
Don't mention it in front of him, or you might end up  
on the wrong side of a rope."

"But...who is he?" James asked, poking one the walls  
with his fingertip, afraid that it would move.

Elizabeth grinned again, holding the candle out in  
front of her and stepping quietly toward a small, dim  
light that was ahead of them. "Oh, you'll see. I think  
that you'll get on with him very well, Beckett," she  
added, receiving a confused look from the man in  
question, who's white wig was now the home of some small, green globs of slime,  
courtesy of the slimy stone wall.

They seemed to be getting closer and closer to the dim  
light that was getting brighter by the second.

Elizabeth then stopped so suddenly that it caused  
them all to bump into each other, Will nearly toppling  
over. When everyone had finally recovered themselves,  
they realized that they were standing in front of a  
large, rather ominous looking black door, where the  
light had been coming from.

She raised the brass knocker and slammed it three  
times onto the door, everyone waiting behind her  
holding their breaths in anticipation.

"Good God, Daroga! I clearly specified that it wasn't  
my fault if La Carlotta croaked tonight!" A deep voice  
shouted from the other side.

"Uh, Mr. Destler? It's not Nadir, it's Elizabeth. I  
just wanted to see if you were still open for business  
this late," Elizabeth shouted back, suddenly sounding  
slightly timid. Everyone behind her exchanged confused  
glances, wondering just who this Mr. Destler was.

"Of course I'm still open, woman, even though I really  
should be out there doing my job. They don't pay me  
20,000 francs a month for nothing, you know." The same  
voice said from the other side, sounding a bit less  
angry. The ominous door then swung open.

The light that came from inside was nearly blinding,  
and the pounding organ music backed up by a guitar on  
the speakers was nearly deafening. After everyone's  
eyes and ears became accustomed to the place, they  
were able to take a moment to survey the house - well,  
it was more like a club, really - they were now  
standing in.

There was a giant dance floor and a bar, both packed  
full with people laughing and drinking. There was an  
equally large lake with a volley-ball net set up  
across the middle, strobe lights and thousands of  
candles lighting the area. There was sand by the lake, the shore dotted with  
fake palm trees with sun lamps on them. People were  
laying under them in their swim wear to get tanned. A  
gigantic pipe organ sat near the back, a neon sign set  
over it, _reading O.G.'s Lair - Making The Music of the  
Night, Every Night!_

Finally, everyone's eyes simultaneously fell on the  
imposing figure standing in front of them. He was  
oddly tall, with slightly frightening amber eyes, and  
hair that seemed to be slicked back with at least a  
bottle or two or hair jell. He wore an alarmingly  
ruffled Hawaiian print t-shirt with shockingly tight  
black shorts. A white mask covered the right half of  
his face, and a fruity-looking drink with a pineapple  
sticking out of it sat in his hand.

It was an odd sight indeed.

Stepping further inside, Beckett took another look  
around, squinting and trying to pick a piece of slime  
from his hair, "So...where exactly are we?"

The strange man smirked, taking a long drink from the  
fruity thing in his hand, "You, monsieur, are in my  
club. Making the music of the night, every night," He  
looked at them seriously then, "And no. Don't even  
ask, because it's not a sunburn from the tanning  
salon."

Murtagh eyed him curiously as Jack wandered off to the  
bar, in search of rum, "You mean we're in a  
club...underground."

"Yep," Elizabeth smiled. She then indicated the man's  
drink, "What is it?"

"One of Little Giry's creation's, actually, have you  
tried it? Quite delicious, despite the name, 'The  
Ballet Mistress's Cane Has Nothing On This.'" He  
seemed to have just taken notice of Beckett, James,  
Murtagh, Legolas, Arya, Will, and Jack (who had just  
returned with a large bottle of rum in hand), "Ah, I  
don't believe that I've met your friends."

Elizabeth smiled, pushing the seven of them toward the  
man as she introduced them, "This is Lord Cutler  
Beckett, Murtagh, Legolas, James Norrington, William  
Turner Jr., and Jack Sparrow." Seeing jack open his  
mouth to correct her, she interrupted him before he  
could start, "Captain Sparrow. I apologize."

The man gave another hint of a smirk, "I'm Ghost.  
Opera Ghost. It's nice to meet you."

The group raised their eyebrows collectively, and  
Elizabeth rolled her eyes, "Erik..."

"Alright, fine," He sighed dramatically, taking  
another long drink, "I'm also Red Death, the Angel of  
Music, the Living Corpse, The Phantom of the Opera,  
Don Juan Trium-"

"_Erik..."_ Elizabeth said again, more warningly,  
raising an eyebrow at him.

The man of many names sighed again, deflated.  
"Alright, alright, fine. Erik Destler. With a K, not a  
C, mind you. A pleasure to meet you messieurs,  
mademoiselle."

As if on cue, a cat prowled up behind him, making a  
very long leap from the top of a lounge chair to  
Erik's shoulder.

"So," Erik said after a moment as Elizabeth's  
companions continued to take in their surroundings,  
"What can I aid you with today?"

"Well..." Elizabeth tried to smile winningly, "James  
here was feeling rather pale, and I think that Arya  
would like somewhere nice and comfortable under a palm  
tree to sleep. Will looks a bit tired, too..." She  
glanced at said man, who was swaying rather alarmingly  
on the spot, staring at the strobe lights with wide  
eyes, "Ah, he's never been good with bright lights.  
Well, Jack would most likely like more rum -" She  
glanced at him, too, and he was downing the last drops  
of the bottle quickly, "But Legolas, Murtagh, Beckett  
and I have some very important things to ask you  
about. I was also wondering..." Elizabeth paused  
uncertainly, "...Well, no matter how odd this sounds,  
I think that some of your friends might be able to  
help us with this."

Erik raised a thoughtful eyebrow, his cat, still  
sitting on his shoulder, licking its paw, "Which  
friends?"

Jack appeared behind Erik, a winning smile plastered  
on his face as he winked at Elizabeth, "Tell me,  
mate," he said, throwing a friendly arm around Erik's  
shoulder, the cat jumping off with an indignant yelp,  
"Have you ever felt particularly...say, mistreated by  
your faithful fans?"

Murtagh jumped in, throwing his arm around Erik's  
other shoulder, Elizabeth and Beckett following with  
slightly devious smiles on their faces, "Spelled with  
a PH, of course."

Linnet's Note: -glares at Erik- I just couldn't keep him out of here. I tried, I really did, but the temptation was just too much. I used Gerik because I  
need to put in a few sunburn jokes, but I also stuck  
in some Kay elements because I'm a Nadir fangirl xD  
Hope that you enjoyed, I think that this chapter was  
just a bit longer than usual.

The end note would feel incomplete without me begging  
for reviews. So...review?


End file.
